Depression

Hey guys,

So as you can tell, the topic of this update is depression, so here goes. 


At the moment I guess I'm not in the best of places my self, but I'm not fully at my worst. When I am at my worst I won't want to leave my room, never mind my house. I lose interest in the things that would usually distract me or keep me going, and nothing sounds more appealing to me than being curled up in bed listening to music, away from the rest of the world. I lose all desire to do anything and avoid as much communication as possible. Usually I just feel like I need to be left alone to get through it by myself and have the time I need, but that way it can become very easy for me to get stuck in this rut that it takes me a while to get out of. I know sometimes a bit of encouragement and support can go a long way, but it's hard for me to listen to and appreciate any positive advice and what other people think I should do, because I seem to go into this defensive mode where the "No one understands me, or cares" and the "Everyone's against me" thoughts seem to go around in my head. 

Usually putting on a front in public is something I'm pretty used to if I'm honest, but when I'm at my worst that itself just doesn't seem possible. If I have to leave the house when I'm feeling this way I have very teary eyes, I feel tense, insecure and just horrible. It's the worst feeling I've experienced along side panic attacks. 


 Fortunately, though I have a pretty much non existent social life, I do have a family who care and try to support me, and have been doing so for years. Even if sometimes I can't see it and I just think their complaining and pushing me into things, I know they're doing it for my own good. And I appreciate that in my own way once I come out of the other side of it, however long that may take. There's just a lot of differences of opinions, and them constantly wanting to do what's best for me that sometimes makes us clash. I don't suppose it's nice for them seeing me go through some of the things I have been through, but sometimes it feels like they need to remember its not been great for me being the one actually going through it either. 

A majority of the time I just think that my room is my comfort zone, where I feel safe and at ease, so why should I have to leave it? But I have realised that sometimes it can be for the best. Sometimes, with support and encouragement, you just need to try and push yourself out of this, get back on your feet and keep trying. Sure, take the time you need to help yourself feel better, but don't become too comfortable and too afraid to try and help yourself to get well again, I've done it enough myself. And nothing good has come from it. In fact I do it almost every time. I take some time for myself, and that time just doesn't seem to end, I get too comfortable in staying in this little bubble I have at home and don't see any point in changing it. I just keep telling myself that I need more time, which doesn't solve anything, it's just a hard habit to change. 


Some of the signs and symptoms of Depression; 

~ Trouble sleeping; can't get to sleep, keep waking up, difficulty getting up. 
~ Finding it difficult to concentrate and focus on tasks. 
~ Strong feelings of being hopeless and helpless. 
~ Over eating or complete loss of appetite. 
~ Complete loss of interest in things that you would usually enjoy. 
~ Find it hard to control negative thoughts and emotions. 
~ Feeling more irritable, short tempered, aggressive, or restless than usual. 
~ You have thoughts that life is not worth living; Self-harm and suicidal tendencies.  
~ Consuming more alcohol than normal or engaging in reckless behaviour. 
~ Reoccurring worries that you're going crazy or mad. 


If you have been experiencing any of the above for a while with no change you could be suffering with a form of Depression. Please don't just "put up with it" seek professional guidance and advice. 


I understand not everyone is receiving support. Which is partly the reason for me setting up my blog and email, to give support to those of you who don't get it anywhere else. You're going through a hard enough time as it is, without not having someone to talk to. Everyone falls down every now and then and just needs someone to help pick them up, that's what I'm here for. And remember, you're not as alone as you may think ♡













"Have I gone mad?"
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."


~ Alice and The Mad Hatter 

Social Anxiety

Hey guys,


In this blog I'm just going to be talking a bit about my Social Anxiety and some of my triggers. Social Anxiety is pretty much summed up in the name. But the official definition is known as; "Social anxiety is the fear of interaction with other people that brings on self-consciousness, feelings of being negatively judged and evaluated, and, as a result, leads to avoidance." Which is very accurate for me. 

Personally, social anxiety plays a big role in my life. I find it very uncomfortable being around large groups of people I'm not familiar with. At times it's been manageable enough for me to handle school, college, family get togethers etc. and there's been other times where I feel completely out of my comfort zone just talking to family, or leaving my house. I've never been one to have a particularly big group of friends, or much of a social life. But it's clearly been getting smaller over time. At the moment I have one friend. Everyone else I've just lost contact with and I've felt too held back with my worries and doubts to try and fix that. The friend I do have, I have known for a few years from school, but unfortunately even this friendship feels as though it's growing apart. And if I'm completely honest, I've never felt more lonely than I have this past year. 

I'd always liked the idea when I was younger of having lots of friends and this growing social life, where I'd never have a boring day because I'd have someone to do things with. But it's just not worked out, and sadly I think I gave up on that idea a while ago, it just didn't seem realistic for me. Saying that, what I've wanted for a long time now was just one friend that I could talk to, someone that would understand how I feel, and that would have time for me, without any judgement. It wouldn't matter if we were being silly and acting stupid, because we were being that way together. To sum it up, just friendship. I believe part of me wants to find that kind of friendship because I've never really been able to experience it. The times in my life where others were making friends, and developing friendships and relationships I was too preoccupied with my anxiety, amongst other things. It's controlled me and stopped me from doing so many things already, and it's something I'm still working on now. As it is now I can be very anxious at times about approaching people, speaking to or being around people that I don't know; I know it's something only I can change for myself, so I need to put myself out there more. It's just difficult to do so when you hardly leave your house, or have people to do things with, but I'm working on it. 

It's by no means an easy thing to have. Sometimes when I'm around people I find myself worrying about everything there is too worry about it seems. One thing is that I think of myself getting my words mixed up and sounding stupid, it's something I've done a few times before and I've felt humiliated and childish. So naturally the way I deal with that is to avoid saying anything. Because the more I worry about mixing my words up, the more uncomfortable I start to feel, then I would be worrying that other people would notice me feeling uncomfortable and ask questions then I feel like I would be more likely to say the wrong thing and it just goes around in this stupid, confusing cycle. 

  Some of my other triggers;

            ~ Being in large groups of people (especially ones that I don't know) 
            ~ Public transport, buses, trains etc. 
            ~ Being in busy places. (Living in Brighton, mainly town and the seafront) 
            ~ Presentations, meetings, interviews. 
            ~ Being in an uncomfortable environment. 
            ~ Primary and secondary school and College were big triggers. 
            ~ Being put on the spot (e.g. Being asked questions ) 
            ~ When I feel I'm being watched or judged. 



When I get the feeling of being overwhelmed by it, it feels like I'm physically locked up. My hands get clammy, I feel very uncomfortable, I worry, feel agitated, and just needing to get myself away from what's making myself feel this way. In worse cases, I can have shortness of breath, feeling slightly paranoid, more discomfort, headaches and feeling sick. Having this also makes me dread most days because of social interaction, as a result of this I often find myself with a low self esteem, a fear of being critisised and judged, and at times trying to avoid eye contact etc. 




That's all for now, unfortunately social anxiety has stopped me from doing many things in my life so far already, as I know it has for some of you. Just remember to stay strong. I'll be uploading another blog with the coping mechanisms, and distractions I've used and come across to try and help you through these times too. I'd love to hear from you guys, so remember to leave messages. ♡












“I’m not strange, weird, off, nor crazy. My reality is just different from yours.”

~ Cheshire Cat